Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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