The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
