i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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