The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
