The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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