I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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