oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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