Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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