WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
