She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
