Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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