I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
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She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.