What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.