Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
