i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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