Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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