I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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