The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
