i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
