wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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