apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
