Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He kissed a someone with a penis
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
