In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm just crazy horny about you
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program