There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
