I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
