my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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