we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
