Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
