Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
