You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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