So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
