Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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