I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
