i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
