allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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