She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
