You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
