If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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