I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
