my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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