So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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