My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
