I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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