I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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