I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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