I wanna passion pit in your ass
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
