so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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