it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
