some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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