I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
