u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
