youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
