Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
