Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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