Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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