im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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