4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
