Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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