Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
