Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How's work?
Spinning.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
